*Support *Spirituality *Shadow Work - Closer to an answer, Giving and Receiving
I have been digging deep. Looking for answers and searching to understand balanced giving and receiving. Kris gave me the coin analogy in one of my previous posts. I now understand that I was sometimes giving with an expectation of what I deemed “an appropriate response” from a person. I understand that sometimes I gave to make me worthy of being liked. I also sometimes gave with no expectation of anything ie helping an unknown lady, whose trolley broke, by giving her a lift home on a really hot day. Giving to a stranger in this way is easy. Giving to people you know, with no expectation of anything, is harder.
I talked to Kris about my giving and receiving research, and my ongoing dilemma. When you give many times to someone unconditionally and then, you ask for help only once. If they then advise you “I don’t feel like helping” how do you give freely to that person again, how do you not get upset and hurt? I gave Kris examples of things that happened to me. All the help I had given and then, upon one request, refusal to help me.
Kris stopped me in my tracks. I was blown away by what she said. Something so simple but yet so profound.
“Did they ask you for help?”
I was quiet and just sat there for a minute. My perpetual chatter silenced by 6 simple words.
I thought about the scenarios I was sharing with Kris. One by one I went through them mentally. I’m an organiser. I knew what was best. These people I helped needed my help. But, for the most part, they never asked for my help.
HOLY FUCK!!! What have I been doing? I have been running around for other people, exhausting myself, when my help was not even asked for. Did these people even need my help? Although I am really capable, who am I to push my capabilities on other people. Perhaps they had lessons to learn, that I was stopping them learning, with my unrequested helping.
The enormity of my exhausting perpetual giving cycle was so clear. What a simple way to clear out 90% of my giving, or over-giving. WAIT TO BE ASKED FOR HELP!
In writing this I’m reminded of a Ted Talk by Adam Grant I watched on givers, takers and matchers in business. Consistently givers were both the least productive and most productive people in the workplace. The over-givers suffering burnout and not being able to finish their work due to giving too much. This sounds like me. The successful giver, still giving, but limiting the amount of time etc they spend, so as not to affect their productivity or push themselves too hard.
I’m now thinking about Kris’s friend, Jaks Waters, who freely gave of her time to do a remote healing, and then more time to discuss results with me. I’m looking through my notes and so much came up relating to giving. Before I spoke with Jaks, I was trying to stop giving, as I knew it was all out of balance. Being this person, who did not give, did not make me happy. Jaks didn’t know this but started to talk about 5 Elements Traditional Chinese Medicine and Bagua. Using this method, based on my birthday, she had calculated out my elements. I am apparently a triple earth, when out of balance, it is generally in the giving and receiving area (ain’t that the truth). Her profound guidance was:
You must continue to give, or you will not be happy.
You must Give to Self first!
You must ask yourself “What do I need right now? and action those needs”.
Suggested Affirmation from “The Language of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie. Don’t be afraid of giving affirmation: “Spirit guide me in my giving. Help me give to others in a healthy way. Help me give what feels right, what feels good, what feels clean and what I can afford”.
I may not know everything about the topic but I feel, in looking deeply at myself and things that have happened, that I am getting much closer to the truth of the matter. It is painful looking at yourself in this way but so very valuable. As you dig and examine, the Universe provides you clues and helpful people. Thank you to all those who have helped me in this deep exploration of the intricacies of giving and receiving!