*Shadow Work *Spirituality *Remedies *Exercise - Altered States of Consciousness

Written 13th January, 2022 - There are many ways to reach an altered state of consciousness. Some examples are Meditation e.g. Silva method, Exercise e.g. Vipassana Yoga; Sleep Deprivation; Plant Medicines e.g. Ayahuasca or mushrooms; Sexual Intercourse; Breathwork; Dance; Lucid Dreaming; Music; Sensory Deprivation; Hypnosis and Fasting. Many are legal but some are not (and these end up going underground in many countries).

Recently I experienced a few of the above at a spiritual retreat (note, not the sex one, it was not a giant orgy, although that could have been fun).

My experiences were profound and have taken me a while to process.

I feel that altered states are a gift where you can access profound information from Source / Higher Beings. At this stage, and my opinion may change in the future, I feel that access to some of the above will be made available to you at the right time ie I don’t necessarily feel it is something that should be hunted down.

I also feel that the experiences people have will be directly associated with where they are at spiritually. By this I mean, if you are leading a fairly unconscious life and are not interested in looking at yourself at a deep level, my opinion is that the experiences will probably be enjoyable, but not really profound. This may be completely wrong but it is just my feeling on the matter right now. My reasoning for this is I believe spirit gives you what you can handle. If you are unconscious, and have never looked at your shadows, it may be too much to handle having some information disclosed to you.

I am therefore glad that some of the experiences were offered to me at a later date, rather than when I first started my inward journey and looking at my shadows. Everything comes in divine right timing.

This post will be long, because I want to explain the lead-up to the retreat, as it is important to say that I did not just attend and get hit with the truth that I have been denying for many years. The retreat was in December and the leadup started around 20th October. Normally I don’t write the contents of cards I draw but it is important to see the clear path.

Guidance 1 - 20th October, 2021 - I was sitting on my bed late in the evening. I looked at my hands, swollen, red and very stiff. Imagine gripping a tennis ball in your hand… that is what it is like for me trying to make a fist. I stared at my hands and asked the Universe “Why do I have Scleroderma?”. I then drew a card from my “Faeries Oracle by Jessica MacBeth and Brian Froud” deck. I drew card 64 in reverse. The card says: “Stagnation rules. It may seem that the situation is forever stuck, mired down in a swamp of misery, boredom, or pain. So it is - and it will remain so until someone, probably the querent, voluntarily sacrifices something outgrown but tightly clung to, in order to acquire something better. Bear in mind that the only true meaningful sacrifice is ourselves - our time, our energy, our attitudes and beliefs. Gawtcha standing on his head suggests that we break loose from this pattern by dedicating ourselves to some service, some voluntary but meaningful sacrifice that will loosen the knots, break loose the cement around the joints, and set us free.

The words “break loose the cement around the joints” were particularly interesting, considering I was staring at hands that do not bend at the joints properly. I was confused, so I asked Universe “what is outgrown, I don’t understand”. As I sat on the side of the bed a word flooded my being…. it pierced my like a sword right to my core. The word was “HONESTY”. I looked at my phone and the time was 11.11pm, my birthday and a very prominent number in my spiritual experiences. The message was clear. I sat there pondering the word honesty. I actually felt sick. I tried to sleep but the word honesty was haunting me. I felt judged! I was clearly dishonest and I was being punished. I went through all the little ways I’m dishonest and thought what it would be like to be honest in those situations ie if a friend comes up and says “do you like my haircut” and I think it makes them look like a feral chihuahua, am I supposed to say that. The fear at complete honesty was palpable. My heart was racing. I barely slept that night.

I saw Kate a day or so later. We talked out my very clear message and my fear about the word honesty. I was a mess. I was clearly a bad person for not being 100% honest and my punishment was Scleroderma. Would I trade Scleroderma for me now being 100% honest in all situations and having not a single person in the world like me!! Kate was not sure I was on the right track. The fear stayed with me for a few weeks. There were many sleepless nights.

After a few weeks I calmed down and felt at peace with the idea that the Universe was talking about personal honesty ie I was not being honest with myself. I left it at that, at this stage.

Guidance 2 - A few weeks later I was talking to a client about all things spiritual. He mentioned a lady who had a series on Gaia. Her name is Carolyn Myss. Carolyn is an American spiritual author. I actually saw her a few years back in Sydney. A friend gave me a free ticket because she couldn’t go. I went but didn’t get much out of it as it was obviously too early for me to see her. Carolyn’s work stems around the Carl Jung like theory that we are all archetypal energy ie God expressing itself through archetypes. I watched many episodes in one evening and also some stuff on YouTube. I was particularly interested in her comments on “The Healer Archetype”. She said something like “Without fail the healer archetype will come here and will be wounded, cut to the core, by someone very close to them… this is actually a soul contract made before physical…. once wounded it is then the job of the person to learn and heal from the wounds”. I believe this is what happened to me in early 2020. There was a situation with someone I was very very close to. I was devastated. I was undergoing chemo at the time. I was so very very angry and hurt. I considered suicide. I can now clearly see this situation was the soul contract, a gift from the friend. From this, the lowest of the points in my life, I chose growth and have subsequently been learning and growing ever since.

The following morning, after learning about archetypes for hours the previous evening, I drew a card from the same deck. I drew card 4 reversed “….. He of the Fiery Sword is present in full measurer throughout the universe on all levels. Reversal here speaks of an archetypal energy blocked or unaccepted by the querent or another involved in the issue…”

Another breadcrumb. Some sort of archetypal energy is a bit f*&ked up in me.

Guidance 3 - probably late Nov or Early December 2021. I knew the spiritual retreat was coming up. The retreat has aspects that are very bound by ritual. I asked spirit “Is this blocked energy going to come up during the retreat”. I drew card 20 from same deck - The Dark Lady “We may reach the realm of the Dark Lady through grief, through deep surrender, through ecstasy, or through profound ritual. This card in a reading suggests that it is time to withdraw from the ordinary world to revitalize ourselves through retreat and surrender to the source…..”

Ok, so that was pretty clear, it’s going to come up at the retreat in a few weeks. I started to get scared, my fears about the word honesty were coming back. I discussed my fears with Kate. My feeling judged and fear of the word honesty. I said that I did not know if I wanted to see, as I was afraid. We worked through it again and agreed that I would not heal unless I knew the truth. I finally accepted and said to the Universe that I was happy to see the truth.

Guidance 4 - A few days before the December retreat I asked Universe “please specifically tell me what is coming up at the retreat”. I drew card 40 reversed from the same deck, the card Honesty “Honesty asks us, are we being truly honest with ourselves? We may think we are, but finding Honesty standing on his head in a reading indicates that we may well be deceiving ourselves in some way. The human psychological mechanisms (repression, denial, projection, displacement, etcetera) may be in play. We need to look carefully at our attitudes and beliefs, especially where our emotions are strongly involved. We may even need objective, clear-sighted assistance from others in looking at this. Self-deceit leads to anxiety, confusion, a complicated life and behaving with unfairness or injustice towards oneself and others.”

Great, Kate was right, it was not all those little white lies, it was a bigger issue where I was not being honest with myself. It was going to be revealed. To say I was fearful was an understatement!! I was going to be given a gift…. but a scary gift…. a shadow was going to be brought into the light for healing. Information direct from Source that would help me grow.

I now understood why it took months for me to be ready for the retreat.

The Retreat - 16th - 19th December, 2021

It’s now a full month after writing the above. It is early on 13th February, 2022 that I edit this post. I have delayed writing this part. I’m not 100% sure why. I have been to retreat once before and have not written about that experience yet either. Today I know it will flow.

We all gathered in the Blue Mountains. Many beautiful souls from many different cultural and spiritual backgrounds. I would say most were in their 20’s and 30’s, although a few older like me. Some were far out hippies, with unkept hair and interesting clothes. Some were corporate types wearing average weekend attire. We all worked out where we were going to sleep, either the cabin, a tent or vehicle. I opted to sleep in my car, as the back folded out completely flat. It was around 4pm when I arrived. Ceremony started around 7 or 8pm. We were all wearing white. We were all seated in an elongated circle around the room, each person with their own meditation mats, pillows and blankets for comfort.

The ceremony started. We were all saged. We individually went to the alter and then returned to our chosen position. All was dark and very quiet. I went into a deep meditative state. I was conscious of everyone around me but what was going on inside was what was being focussed on. The music started. I could feel the energy in the room rising. It flowed through me like crystal water. Spirit then joined me. My head was bowed. Spirit was one with me. The words they had to offer me fused with my soul. It was intense. This statement was said with such force. It was like Thor’s hammer coming down and hitting the earth. I felt like a grain of sand being spoken to by the entire Universe. The statement was: “STOP HELPING JEN”. I felt sick! The little speck that was me in that moment said very shyly to the Universe “but I have promised her things!”. The answer came that gave me great relief “You can give what you promised but no more”.

For a moment I’ll explain, as it won’t be clear to others. I believe I have noted that I am a giver. I have let people live with us for free; I bought a $7-8,000 boat for a Fijian family; I have renovated people’s houses; I have handled court dealings for a number of people… this list goes on… and on and on and on. During this whole journey I understood that there was an issue with giving and receiving. I therefore really considered my giving. I was happy to offer knowledge, mostly when asked for, but did not take it further. I remember actively thinking “now it is time for me to focus on my family”. My daughter Jen came into my sights more. It was time for me to sort out some of her issues. I had organised that she could live in Sydney with my dad, as that is where she wanted to live. I had said she really needed to look at buying a house. I found the state for her to buy in. I found the house… a new build. She was thrilled. I agreed to pay $70,000 for her deposit. I paid off her loans so she could easily get the loan (and she would pay me back slowly). When there was an issue with the project home company I was the one who sorted it out. I did this all under the guise of helping.

There, in that moment with spirit, I understood it all, it was all so clear. It does not matter if the person is blood or not. The same rules apply.

Spirit was not finished with me yet. I was trying to use my mind to comprehend the rest of the information, but I could not. I was in a loop. In that loop was the feeling of things I do, e.g. biting my nails. There is a distinctive energy for this. The loop went around and around with these feelings and knowledge dropping in. It was like a mix master and adding in the ingredients for a cake. After some time the loop stopped. I was left with all the knowledge, a further statement:

“You can’t control the outcome of other people’s lives and, in trying to do so, you have made yourself sick”. Also “Souls have come here with experiences they need to have and you getting involved is not helping them”. There was also mention of “Take off the parental controls for Tim” (ie the computer parental controls).

I understood it all now and I was so grateful for the experience.

After the Retreat:

I came home with clear understanding. The first thing I needed to do was tell Jen. I spoke with her. It sounded offensive and took a while to explain. She felt a bit attacked I’m sure. I explained that she had done nothing wrong. It was all me. I mean, who wouldn’t take 70k if someone was offering. Who wouldn’t let someone fix an issue with a project home company, if someone was offering. It was all me! No blame lay with her! I explained that, in all my supposed helping, I was not helping her, I was delaying her from experiencing things she came here to experience. I let her know that I would honour what I had promised, no matter how far into the future that went, but that I would not be interfering in anything else. However, if she ever did get sick I would be happy if she moved home.

A few days after I came back the Universe tested me. My Fijian friends contacted me via Messenger asking me to help them with clothes for their kids. I justified things in my mind. It is only clothes and they did ask. I spent a few hours looking at ways to get second hand clothes to them in Fiji. I then stopped and had a though “I will draw a card”. Damn it, I drew the same card as before, the concrete around the joints one. I felt terribly sad when I said that I could not help them. I’m still trying to understand the balance of giving/helping and controlling outcomes. I’m sure I will get better over time.

The issue with my 14 year old son Tim and his computer usage has been a sticking point. Jen was easier, she is 26. Tim is 14, so there is parenting and responsibility vs him growing up and having space to grow and make his own mistakes. I’m trying here but it is a work in progress shall we say.

I feel so grateful for Universe helping me. This is not an easy journey but so so so worth it!