*Supplements - The Butt Supp Process

I will write this post and then we will never speak of it again! I had the faecal transplant 1.5 weeks ago. All I can say is that there have been far too many people paying attention to my bum…. and not in the wolf whistle way, like in my youth. Post procedure, I arrived home with esky in tow, and another 29 treatments that I need to give myself over the next 6 months or so. I asked Tim to help me to carry the material upstairs. It was all clearly marked “biological hazard”. Tim questioned what it was, so I told him… “other people’s poo”. The horror on my 14 year old’s face was obvious. He did not ask any further questions.

At first I need to give myself nearly daily treatments, then it tapers off to eventually be once every two weeks. After you invert body, position legs, lube then squeeze watery brown bottle, you then need to massage your stomach in various positions, for 35 minutes. This ensures the product moves right around your bowel. I had trouble with the massage as my hands are affected by Scleroderma so it hurt. The nurse suggested that I buy a massager, as that is what one of her other patients used, and it worked a treat for them. A mental note was made “buy massager”.

In hospital they cleaned me fully out with a colonic washout then placed a substantial amount of material in over two days. They also gave me 4 Imodium (or anti-poop tablets) to ensure it stays in. You don’t take the Imodium at home but just have to time your procedure carefully.

My first try by myself, spare room set-up by Jason with a mattress inverted on two sleepers. I had my new $70 electric massager. I had my lube. I had my rubber gloves and a towel. My privacy was guaranteed.

Normally if someone was going into a private room with a vibrating device and lube it would signify a different type of recreational pursuit.

I knew what to do but somehow it was all much harder by myself. I managed to get past the squeeze bottle thing ok. Now I was onto the massager. I wanted to make the most of the poop as it is expensive so I decided to put it on high. I was sure high speed would ensure maximum movement of product around my bowel. I was pressing it into my tummy and moving in required direction. All good for first 10 minutes. Change position… a bit awkward, but kept massaging on high. Lay on tummy for 5 minutes, no massage then change position. I started feeling my tummy gurgling big time. Um, i’m sure it will pass. Keep going! Massager on high.

My face distorted. There was far too much internal movement going on. I knew I had gone too far! Too much pressure! “Fuck, I think they meant a non-vibrating massager”… “Oh God, no, please God”…. “Oh shit”….

The Imodium from the procedure works really well for a few days. I had not thought this through! No pooping for three days; stick more poop in; massage stomach for 20 minutes using an electric massager on high. Um, I was no longer backed up. There is a ceiling fan in the spare room. It did not quite hit the fan.

“Fuck… towels… I need more towels”. I only brought one in. “Fuck”. I can’t call Jason. Fuck have to deal with this alone. “Where the fuck do I start?”

Oh the shame! It’s bad enough having an accident at the best of times but to experience a pressurised shit spray is something else. Also, generally when you shit yourself it tends to be your poo.

We humans are quite clever. We learn quickly from experience. I have subsequently worked out when and how to do the procedure so as to avoid any further shitsplosions.

Tim saw me heading into the room the other evening with the brown squeezy bottle with long nozzle. He knew what was in it but obviously decided he needed more information. “What do you do with it”. I was surprised as really kind of thought it was obvious. After I explained, Tim’s horrified wide eyed face said it all. Although he did bleat “God no no no” then walked away muttering something and shaking his head.

I thought about his reaction later and was a little perplexed. I mean, he was utterly horrified with what I was doing with it but, what were the other options? It clearly had to get in my body somehow, and considering the orifice options available, I think the chosen orifice is the least horrific option on the list.

So I will reiterate. We will never talk of this again. Procedures are ongoing. I hope I will see results in the long term. I hope further discussion is not required.