*Remedies *Intuition *Support - I’ve been leeched!

As I was waiting for Kearon, my client, who is supporting me by keeping a video file of various things I try, my friend Tracey was waiting with me. Tracey was eating jelly snakes on my driveway. She lifted the bag up in my direction and said, muffled through a coloured mouthful of reptiles…. “Want one?” I replied “Nah, better not get snake in my teeth before I’m going to be filmed being Leeched”. We both looked at each other and Tracey said, in a kind of surprised voice and expression: “Well…. there is a sentence that nobody has every said before”. I pondered that for a few seconds and agreed that it was a sentence that would be highly unlikely to have been previously used. There you go, an original sentence, surely hard to come by these days.

Kearon rocked up, at speed, in his yellow beast of a car. Looking like some sort of matchbox car and being bright yellow, it was clearly the car of a creative guy. Kearon exudes creativity from every pore. His clothes ooze it as well. I have no clue of the style though but definitely not purchased at Target, or similar, like mine. Well, all apart from my new designer bikini. I had the foresight to plan ahead and purchase said bikini as I didn’t think my daggy comfy stretchy bra’s would give the right image for a filming session.

We were running a tad late so I phoned Stefan to let him know. Stefan advised that all was good and the Leeches were hungry and getting ready for their meal.

We arrived, camera gear in hand, and headed into the small treatment room. Kearon set-up while I stripped off. Now I’m not normally a bikini girl, due to larger than Bridget Jones size, but skin visibility requirements made it a necessity.

I lay down and Leech # 1 was extracted and carefully placed on my chest. CHOMP!!…… OUCH!! The Little bastards hurt. 5 more chomps on my chest and strong stinging with each. Lets see if these little buggers can help my lung disease. Now for the fingers. Leech 7 was extracted, placed and was decidedly disinterested. Another Leech was selected, same problem. I’m guessing that fingers are not the best real estate. Leeches can have up to 10 eyes so I imagined them eyeing off, with appropriately located eye, their happy chest compatriots with envy and a hardly done by expression.

Stefan had the answer, the issue was cold hands caused by my Raunaud’s Syndrome, one of the many weird issues that accompany my condition. The modified term “some Leeches like it hot” is appropriate here (in a non Leech sexuality kind of way). Cold or luke warm food just won’t do! Stefan heated my hands up. With some coaxing and discussion on the fact that the available real estate was not so bad, Leech #’s 7 through 10 begrudgingly began to eat.

The stinging subsided in a few minutes as, being Medicinal Leeches, they bring their appropriate tools of trade, one of which is anaesthetic….. ok ok, all Leeches have it, even non medically trained ones.

Kearon was capturing ever subtle Leech oscillation and my accompanying facial expressions and verbal bleats. I’m sure he would have captured a Leech smile, had their mouths not been otherwise occupied. The process is slow and drawn out, taking about 2 hours to fill their 10 little Leech bellies thats 10 each, so 100 in total on me. They also have 32 brains and 18 testicles. Their intelligence clearly indicating why they were so peeved at being offered second class finger real estate earlier. I’ll also now reiterate the “some Leeches like it hot” statement, this time in a sexual way, as with 18 testicles you would expect some pretty hot Leech on Leech action at the Leech farm.

We had time to kill. Stefan got out the Leech bible and was flicking through showing me lovely pictures of their multi layered mouths containing hundreds of teeth. I would post a picture but my quick endeavour to find a free online stock image picture of Leech teeth was in vain. I will have to give you a similar visual. Just imagine the Alien movies and you are nearly there.

The Leeches were getting fat, but still had some time to go. The subject came up of the cost of Leeches being quite expensive. Stefan has to purchase them from Melbourne. He knew that my son has two beehives, and sells honey. His suggestion was for Tim to now start breeding Leeches as well. Um, I think not, bees are bad enough. I also don’t want my son to be exposed to Leech porn at his tender age.

Time ticked on. The conversation progressed to other types of Leeches. We discussed one, jovially known as The Hippo Ass Leech. It was described in this article as “elusive”. I’ve got to say, probably only elusive due to the lack of people surviving after they stuck their hands up a Hippos ass.

Finally Stefan talked about the Leech that was the size of a mans forearm. I’m guessing if you get a few of them on you, while sleeping, you would be just a husk in the morning. You wouldn’t want one to hit an artery either.

After nearly two hours the, now rotund, Leeches started to fall off. It was more kind of a roll really, as they were quite round. As each Leech rolled onto their back we could see the satisfied expression on their faces and could nearly hear them say “I’m stuffed”.

Normally, after use, the Leeches would have to be killed by freezing, as they cannot be used on another human. Considering their dislike of cold hands I consider this to be the ultimate Leech torture. With a desire to save my new friends from this maltreatment, and also a desire to not have to pay $30 per Leech again, I opted to keep them as pets (as the offer was made by Stefan).

Leechtopia is born. All 10 inhabitants have been named. 9 after my friends and one after Donald Trump. My partner, Jason, expressed concern at me using my friends names, saying, in horror, “Are you calling your friends blood sucking Leeches?”. Hmmm, that thought hadn’t crossed my mind. Ah well, suck it up (pardon the pun) the naming post had already gone out on Facebook.

I bled like a stuffed pig for 24 hours due to Leechy anticoagulants. I know that some people use Leeches on their faces as beauty treatments but, to be honest, you probably want to use them a fair time before any event, as the little bastards leave a massive bite mark about 1/2 cm diameter. Not such a good look if they are on your face.

As for success of the procedure, time will tell and more sessions may be required. Mine will be BYOL sessions from now on.

Apart from filming, Kearon took one photo, used at the top of this post. Stefan asked if he can use it in his marketing material, as well as perhaps some of the film when ready. Hmmm, if you told me a year ago I would be filmed in my bikini, and someone would want to use it in their marketing, I would seriously consider you to have lost your marbles.

It is a strange world. You’ve got to participate in all the fun and games. And so the journey continues.